The Last Year

This morning, I realized it's been over a year since I published my last blog.

ONE YEAR! It felt like a jolt. Where did that time go?

There were many times in this past year when I tried to sit in front of this very laptop and put down some thoughts on the screen. But every time I started, I gave up after a few minutes. To say that I didn't have the bandwidth would be an understatement.

These past 18 months have been a giant emotional rollercoaster, and many aspects of my life had to take a backseat. Here are just a few of the events that felt life-shattering:

• My partner got diagnosed with a battery of illnesses and when that happened my world primordially shrank to the role of sole caregiver. She is much better now thanks to her grit and unwavering willpower and is well on the road to full recovery.

  

  Cheelu, resting

• Due to this new role of a caregiver, my outings drastically reduced over this part year and many of the photographic projects I had in mind had to be put on hold.

  

  An image from a project I had to put on hold

• Many days, I had to find ways to juggle these different new roles and still pursue photography to keep some of my mental sanity. Photography has always been an immense source of solace and a form of meditation, so the fact that it took a backseat took its toll on me.

  

  One of the days when I had to urgently rush back before the end of the event.

• On top of this, one of my oldest and best friends was diagnosed with a virulent form of cancer. I wanted to visit him during his convalescence but due to my own situation, I couldn't make the trip to Switzerland. Luckily, he has mostly recovered today thanks to modern medicine but more importantly, his immense will to live.

• But like rollercoasters, there weren't only downhill moments. While this was happening, I also published my first monograph "A World Called Mumbai". It was such an ecstatic feeling to see people in different parts of the world connect with my work. It wasn't something I expected when I started this journey, a little over a decade ago. Eventually, my book has made its ways to bookshelves as far away as Mexico or Australia. I never felt more thankful.

  

  Me, with my book. One of the proudest moments of my life.

• I also conducted a handful of workshops, traveled a little bit, had my first multi-day assignment in different parts of India and attended the Indian Photo Festival.

  
  
  

  

  

  

  Some of the assignments I worked on

Throughout this year, there was a big dichotomy in my mind: on the one hand, I felt that I didn't do anything worthwhile with my photography. But on the other hand, photography was still deeply present every day and I even have some pictures to show for it!

It took me ages to understand where this cognitive dissonance came from, but I think I finally understood it recently.

We humans are creatures of habit. We feel more comfortable when we can make predictions about our future or when we can bask in a certain form of routine. But when sickness hits you or your close ones, not only does your world shrink geographically, to mostly the confines of your home, they also shrink temporally: As long as you battle the maladies, you live in an eternal present, a blob of time (~1 day) that limits the amount you can plan. And because this eternal present is so prevalent in your mind, even the achievements of the past (days, week, month) are quickly relegated to the recesses of your memory.

Although I don't really feel it, I still took thousands upon thousands of pictures this year!

Now that my world is starting to open up again, that I can start making plans about the future, my mind is also looking back at the past. One of the first things I did was to pat myself on the back. Despite the ups and downs, the emotional turmoil, the stressful days, the cooking, the house cleaning, etc. I still managed to keep my sanity and to take pictures.

This year has changed a bit my relationship towards photography, from a need that felt almost addictive and unhealthy to a want, a companionship. One of my friends told me a couple of years ago that photography doesn't define me, i.e. I am not just a photographer. This thought has been swirling in my mind ever since and I had a hard time accepting it. But today, I can finally see the truth to it. We all contain multitudes and at times, one of the other roles that you play (of a friend, a partner, a caregiver etc.) has to be more prominent than the photographer one. What I learned through this dark tunnel of a year is that the day we accept all the facets of our lives; we can live healthier, happier ones.

And one of the clearest signs that I am healing from this ordeal though is that for the first time in over a year, I had the mental bandwidth to write a small blog post. I have a feeling that there will be more to come in the next weeks!

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this little scrapbook of visual things that caught my eye over this past year!

I hope you enjoy them and hopefully, I'll write another blog post in less than a year ;-).

Suresh